I am a private tutor for students of all ages, but many of my students are middle schoolers. I read an article last week called “Why Mothers of Tweens are More Depressed than Mothers of Babies.” It caught my attention since my oldest is a 6th grader right now. Many of my friends and clients for whom I tutor are also moms of middle schoolers. Dads, here’s my disclaimer: I am not trying to minimize your feelings or importance as a parent of a tween. I’m a mom and the article was about mothers, so I’m writing to moms today.
Why are we stressed?
The article explains that we moms of tweens have a lot more to deal with now that our kids are older. Despite hopefully sleeping through the night now, we don’t always experience the joy we felt when our kids were babies. We are stressed because of increased busyness, guilt about the boundaries we set with our tweens, and hurt feelings when our kids are rude or adversarial toward us. It’s so easy to question ourselves and be riddled with self-doubt.
If you sometimes wonder if you’re a bad mom now, please let me encourage you. You’re still the same mom who was over the Moon in love with your snuggly baby. The fact that you fret about parenting your middle schooler well is evidence that you are still an awesome mom to them.
Life gets crazy
This week, it was easy for me to agree with the authors about the “overwhelm” moms of middle schoolers experience. My 6th-grade son had an unusually busy week. He needed to do two major class projects and had four soccer games, along with all of his other homework. Our house was a mess due to in-process projects and running around. He was staying up late to finish homework, despite having a cold.
I got a call from the mother of one of my son’s classmates. She asked me how in the world our kids were supposed to finish these projects, do their extracurricular activities, and study for finals. It was nice to know I wasn’t the only one feeling the pressure right along with our kids!
The article I linked in the introduction notes that the tween years create rising demands on our time and energy. The authors state, “Besides time, there is the huge psychological toll associated with planning, organizing, attending and traveling to and from events, often with inflexible deadlines, and often for more than one child on a given day.”
What can we do?
Get to Know Your Middle Schooler
Tweens can change rapidly into people with new behaviors we don’t recognize. Try to make some time for just the two of you to go out and do something fun together. Having some “dates” every now and then is a great way to keep your relationship positive and comfortable. Also, you could do a little research on this unique time in their lives. A book I just heard about is Planet Middle School by Dr. Kevin Lehman. I really like Dr. Lehman’s sense of humor and expertise on all things family-related, so I think I’ll check it out. There are many books and blog posts out there about parenting kids in these middle years. I encourage you to learn a little more about this phase of life your kiddo is experiencing.
Academic Help
Does your child have difficulty with one or more subject? Are you spending a lot of time helping your child with homework? Does your child have frequent homework meltdowns? You may want to have him or her tested for a learning difference like ADD, dyslexia, dyscalculia, or dysgraphia. Even if you don’t suspect any cognitive issues, homework time can still be stressful.
You may want to consider having your child work with a private tutor. You could ask your school for recommendations or do an internet search for a qualified tutor in your area. We tutors have strategies for helping kids organize and study and can support you in your quest for peace at home. Parents often hire me despite being capable of helping their child with their homework. I’ve even tutored a middle schooler in math even though his mom was a high school math teacher! Sometimes students just hold it together better and are more open to learning from someone other than their mom. I tutor kids from around the world via an online tutoring platform that’s free for students. So, if you don’t already have another tutor in mind, please feel free to contact me. I work with kids of all ages, but I have a soft spot for middle schoolers. They’re my favorite! If you’d like to chat about your child’s unique needs and how I might be able to help, please go to my contact page.
Anxiety, Depression, and Anger
If your child is particularly combative, angry, or down, have a frank conversation with him or her. What is going on in their minds? Do they like how they feel inside? Are they anxious? Are they having thoughts of suicide? Any increased fatigue and negativity may be due to normal hormonal changes, but maybe not. Please make an appointment with your child’s pediatrician if you have concerns. Their doctor may have some solutions that involve counseling or medication (which could possibly be mild and even short-term, yet make a big difference). Also, if you feel like your own anxiety, depression, or anger are out of your control, you may want to make an appointment with your doctor.
Lack of Focus
Maybe your child’s teachers have informed you that they’re inattentive in class. Do they miss important homework announcements and details? Do they forget to do some of their homework or turn in homework? Again, I would suggest talking to your child’s pediatrician. Perhaps there are natural supplements that could increase focus. Or they may suggest a medicine (again, maybe one that is mild and used for a short term) that would help. Or maybe there are external solutions. For example, this watch can be set to vibrate (much like a FitBit) a few times during each class period. If your child has a smartphone and is allowed to keep it in their pocket, you could set it to do something similar. Sitting near the front of class, taking notes, or using a quiet fidget toy might also help. Talk to your child about what they think could work for them.
Tame Your Schedules
One way to reduce the overwhelm is to take a look at your schedules and see if there are any activities and commitments you can cut back on. If you aren’t running around crazy, there can be more peace. More time for homework, more time for chores, more family time (for instance, meals around the table), and more sleep (which is important for middle schoolers and for depressed or stressed moms).
Make Time for Friends
The authors of the article said we need to surround ourselves with supportive friends. For me, that was easier when my kids were really little. I only tutored part-time while my kids were home. I met with two different groups of moms for Bible study or playgroup a few times a month. It was so great to have time for adult conversation with other moms. Now we work full time, attend different churches, and have kids at different schools. If we want to see each other, it’s nearly impossible to find a night that works for all of us when a husband isn’t traveling for work or a kid doesn’t have a game, ceremony, musical performance, etc. No one has long chats on the phone anymore, but it’s hard to go deep in quick, back-and-forth texts. However, it sounds like we need each other now just as much as we did in order to stay sane in the preschool years. Perhaps we should try to find even just one other mom to communicate with regularly.
This, too, shall pass
Are you stressed or depressed? Please let me encourage you with my favorite mothering mantra: “This, too, shall pass.” Although sometimes the saying should go more like this:
Yes, this too shall pass. Our kids really will eventually grow into high schoolers and mature. Solidarity, moms of middle schoolers! I wish you and me both the best as we figure out how to juggle everything during this busy season, keep our joy, and be the moms our unique kids need.
